Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Wendy Thomasina-Shmenz Found Beheaded In Paraguay - Police Suspect Foul Play

Tres Gatos Amor, Paraguay - Wendy Thomasina-Shmenz, President of Shmenz Communications Inc., the parent company of Froynlaven, was found beheaded in an abandoned canning factory on Tuesday morning. Persons familiar with the investigation said local authorities are beginning to suspect it may not have been an accident.

Gustav Sprechkles, chief investigator of the Paraguayan government's elite team known as the "Hombres Que Investigar A Las Personas Que Pierden La Cabeza" said Thomasina-Shmenz's death is very weird. Speaking through an interpreter, Sprechkles said that, "most people don't just lose their head. The head is attached to the neck very securely. This is why our heads don't come off in a fierce wind. The ligaments and tendons running through that region are quite strong. We've done tests on prisoners and I assure you that the winds required to separate someone from their head are quite strong and much stronger than would have been found in an abandoned canning factory. We're still running test, but I can only assume that someone who had ill feelings for Ms. Shmenz must have brought in some sort of wind machine capable of blowing her head off her body. Such a machine would be immense and require great power. And, as the power lines to the factory have been cut for close to 40 years, I can only assume whoever did this also ran fresh power lines to the factory. This powered the wind machine which blew her head off. After this was done, the power lines were removed and the wind machine was taken away. That't the only explanation I can think of." Detective Sprechkles was asked if the weapon could have been a knife and not a massive wind machine. "Hmmm. That's possible I suppose. We'll test it on some prisoners and let you know."

Ms. Thomasina-Shmez's death comes amidst a particularly tumultuous time for Shmenz communications and the Froynlaven blog. Just last week Ms. Shmenz removed Paul Rugg as the blogs editor and chief and replaced him with homeless sociopath, Chester A. Phelph. Shmenz said she was bowing to pressure from major investors in Chicago who were disappointed with Froynlaven's weak numbers. However, Mr. Phelph's attempt to turn Froynlaven around were lackluster, and, as one industry observer put it, "stupid as hell."

With Shmenz unable to fulfill her duties at Shmenz Communications, it is unclear what will happen to the company. Vick Umberto, who represents Shmenz's Chicago investors, said he will assume administrative control until he feels like it.

Links to the previous stories on Shmenz communications and Froynlaven can be found here and here.


7 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It could be. Or someone dressed up like him. But,move said too much already.

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  2. Okay...I have to type this fast. I didn't do it. I can't go into it all right now. Well, I could, but it would ruin my whole storyline for this new kind of blogging I'm doing. Regardless at this point in the story I'm in hiding. I escaped the guard yesterday and then found myself thrown into a situation beyond my control. One thing led to another, Shmenz winds up beheaded, I'm fingered for it and now am running against the clock to prove my innocence before the Paraguayans find me hiding in this old stable off of Manos De Le Ricardo road just east of Punta Playa. Okay. I gotta go. This is getting weird.

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  3. Chester is with me, too. I've never seen a homeless sociopath so frightened in my life. Don't blame him like I did. Seems he thought he was helping. The poor guy. He thought Legolas was just the thing my blog needed. The poor guy. He's so scared.

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  4. Tell him to hang in there because Legolas will have an appearance in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

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  5. As my kid once said...
    "She got decapitated, then she got her head chopped off."

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  6. I don't think Chester has anything to fear. Surely the legal counsel of Alfredo Ruiz, esq., can help him out. He can convince the Paraguayans that Chester clearly could not have been at fault, because if he'd been anywhere near such a wind machine, it would have suffered a failure, for, as I'm sure Alfredo could attest himself, Chester always breaks wind.

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