Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wendy Thomasina-Shmenz Found Beheaded In Paraguay - Police Suspect Foul Play
Gustav Sprechkles, chief investigator of the Paraguayan government's elite team known as the "Hombres Que Investigar A Las Personas Que Pierden La Cabeza" said Thomasina-Shmenz's death is very weird. Speaking through an interpreter, Sprechkles said that, "most people don't just lose their head. The head is attached to the neck very securely. This is why our heads don't come off in a fierce wind. The ligaments and tendons running through that region are quite strong. We've done tests on prisoners and I assure you that the winds required to separate someone from their head are quite strong and much stronger than would have been found in an abandoned canning factory. We're still running test, but I can only assume that someone who had ill feelings for Ms. Shmenz must have brought in some sort of wind machine capable of blowing her head off her body. Such a machine would be immense and require great power. And, as the power lines to the factory have been cut for close to 40 years, I can only assume whoever did this also ran fresh power lines to the factory. This powered the wind machine which blew her head off. After this was done, the power lines were removed and the wind machine was taken away. That't the only explanation I can think of." Detective Sprechkles was asked if the weapon could have been a knife and not a massive wind machine. "Hmmm. That's possible I suppose. We'll test it on some prisoners and let you know."
Ms. Thomasina-Shmez's death comes amidst a particularly tumultuous time for Shmenz communications and the Froynlaven blog. Just last week Ms. Shmenz removed Paul Rugg as the blogs editor and chief and replaced him with homeless sociopath, Chester A. Phelph. Shmenz said she was bowing to pressure from major investors in Chicago who were disappointed with Froynlaven's weak numbers. However, Mr. Phelph's attempt to turn Froynlaven around were lackluster, and, as one industry observer put it, "stupid as hell."
With Shmenz unable to fulfill her duties at Shmenz Communications, it is unclear what will happen to the company. Vick Umberto, who represents Shmenz's Chicago investors, said he will assume administrative control until he feels like it.
Links to the previous stories on Shmenz communications and Froynlaven can be found here and here.