Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My First Turkey

I'm sure we've all been there. That first time you cook a turkey on your own. As dusk gives way to the mellow meanderings of autumn orangeness and whispy wantings (I've been taking a writing class), I am drawn back to my first attempt at roasting a turkey. It was shortly after marrying my wife.

My wife is, in case you didn't know, from Cuba. Cubans are a thrifty people. After coming to America they usually celebrated Thanksgiving by eating a single raspberry and then arguing with each other about when Castro would die. Then they'd say it was too cold and everyone would put on a coat.

And so, I was determined to give my dearest wife a true American Thanksgiving. A proper Thanksgiving. As an American, I was perfectly suited to do just that.

And what better way to do that than to purchase a fresh turkey from a fresh turkey farm. These turkeys were so fresh they were still living. I brought home my live turkey (by the way, they make a mess in the car) and set about to prepare it for dinner.

I didn't know much about cooking. But I knew an oven was vital to the process. I preheated it to 325 and put the turkey in. It was hard getting it in there. It tried to snap at me a few times, but I eventually lured it in with some candy corn.

What I remember the most is the noise. For about a half an hour it put up a pretty good fight. It pecked at the glass and made some unusual noises which I drowned out with an Enya CD.

Eventually its feathers caught fire. When I opened the oven door it ran out and caught my dog on fire. My word! What a time. I grabbed the turkey with a towel and threw it in the shower. I turned on the water and it drowned. I felt bad for a while....but I LOVE turkey, so I brought it back to the oven.

Anyway...what a time! Ha ha ha! I'll never do that again. From that day on all my turkey's have been dead, de-feathered and gibblet-less. However, I have since stuffed them all with candy corn.


  1. Paul! Paul!!!

    You forgot about the dog! I think it must still be on fire to this day! Do something!!!!

  2. Ah candy corn...with just a hint of sage.

  3. My Uncle is Cuban, all he does is strum his guitar and tell interesting stories. Like the time his Grandmother cooked his pet chicken for dinner one night. He told me that his neighbor was farming them in his back bedroom (I guess he had special lights or something.) He told me that back then, it would be like growing marijuana in your closet, except Castro would bury you or something. He also told me that all they had to really eat were lentils, and that his mom one time went into the streets cursing Castro and throwing a bag of ration lentils everywhere.

    More stories, but not now, maybe another time.

    Happy Thanksgiving people!!