Hello. I am Alfredo Ruiz Esq. I am known in my place of Miami, as LITTLE LORD LAWYERY.
Many peoples have I helped in legal issues and many peoples I will help in future times. Maybe these peoples is YOU!
Have you been hit by a truck? I can help you!
Did you hit someone in your truck? I can help you!
Did someone make you mad and feel bad? I can help you!
Did you make someone mad and feel bad? I can help you!
Did a device which you bought injure you in ways? I can help you.
Did you sell a device which injured others in ways? I can help you.
Is something going on with you? I can help you.
Know someone that has something going on? I can help you.
Maybe your cat got sickly from foods that were bad. Let's help kitty TOGETHER! I'll fight for kitty and you will be monetized for poor kitty's hurtness.
There is no fee unless we get paid! Guaranteed for that!
If you are sitting there being injured and feel like no one is caring. I am! I AM CARING. I AM SO CARING IT IS INCREDIBLE.
So, leave a message on this thing and let us get you right. I will respond in fast measure!
When you have LITTLE LORD LAWYERY on YOUR side. People will shiver! Guaranteed!
Cubans make me mad and feel bad. Can you help me?
ReplyDeleteTakineko (What a nice name you are having)
ReplyDeleteYes. I can help. We'll sue them. It's that simple. However, I must be saying to you that perhaps it would be more profitable if Swiss people made you mad and feel bad. They have more money and aren't as feisty. Think about it. Yes?
Alfredo Ruiz Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
Señor,
ReplyDeleteThings are good in my life, so good that there is nobody I want to sue. Is there someone whose fault this is, whom you will then help me sue?
Señorito Ruiz,
ReplyDeleteStupid people cause me much distress. I see people on YouTube who think that a plane did not crash in the HUdson River last week because they think the Time Warner buildings in the background of the video are the World Trade Center. I see people who think that because you can see the plane traveling 100 mph into the Hudson in surveillance footage, but cannot distinctly see a plane going 500 mph on surveillance footage at the Pentagon in 2001, that therefore it was not a plane that struck the Pentagon. I've even seen someone insist that the Hindenburg disaster was a hoax, because he saw it on MythBusters (where they disproved one theory about how the fire started, but this person insisted that they proved that a fire did not happen at all and the film was a fake).
The mental anguish is too much to handle. The pain and suffering I endure from stupidity wherever I go... it's horrible, I tell you.
I think if we can sue people for being stupid, then you, me, and your little teddy bear will become the most powerful people on Earth because we'll rule the world economy.
OK, technically your teddy bear is not a person, but I am sure you can find a legal loophole for him.
Mr. Ruiz, your idea intrigues me. However the Swiss have my pity due to their adorable accents. Is there any way we could change it to the French? I'm pretty sure we could get other lawyers in on it for free if it was the French.
ReplyDeleteRob-T-Firefly (what a nice name you are having)
ReplyDeleteLet me ask you a question. Who are these people that have made you happy without you having any say about whether you wanted to be happy? You see what I'm saying. Is unfair. You are a victim of their ways. I say we fight. I help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
Keeper (what a nice name you are having)
ReplyDeleteLet's talk. We have a good case I think. Also, my Teddy Bear IS a real person. His name is Banjo and he talks to me at night.
Stupid people! Yes.We can sue them easily. How you are asking.
Simple. They are stupid. Is like taking candy from behind the babies back.
I say we fight. I help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
Takineko (still a nice name and pleasant)
ReplyDeleteOh YES! Please! If a French (spit) person has made you unhappy we can sue very much. Just let me know the French (spit) person that did this to you and we sue. This person should be having much money. So...you know. If you could make sure of that first. That would be...good, I think.
I say we fight. I help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
Alfredo!
ReplyDeleteYou are full of optomism and name flattery. I take back every mean thing I ever said about dwarves and Cubans [Except for the part about riding Jackals, because it's true!]. Does it have to be any particular Frenchman? Because I could pick any one of them out of the crowd really. Pepe Le Pew has been the most recent cause of my anguish though because he keeps trying to steal our feline women!
Let's keep our kittens American and skunk free.
'ow absurd iz zees? I 'ave nevair 'ad eenterest een ze girls of ze meowing persuayzhon! Onlee les skunks femmes for me.
ReplyDeleteWhat iz zees you say? You seenk I do not know zee deefairahns? You seenk I am zee stupeed pairsohns of which you speak?
Mais non! I am not ze one who seenks a teddy bear eez a real persohn like myself.
Ze defense rest, votre honneur.
--Pepe le Pew
[Who knew Pepe read Paul's blog? Wow he must be pretty popular]
ReplyDeleteMr. Le Pew,
I can't understand half of your typing, please speak American. It's the only language I know. And don't deny your feline fettish! We have documented evidance all over youtube. And I'm tired of you rummaging through my garbage at night. You will be hearing from my midget- I mean lawyer.
Counselor Ruiz:
ReplyDeleteI am angry at all of my fellow lawyers, being a lawyer myself. You I exempt because you fight for the little guy. Can we sue all the other lawyers together and divide up the money amongst ourselves?
Michael M. Mink, Esq.
Law firm of Marten, Marten, Stoat Badger & Weasel.
(Posted by E.O. Costello)
Pepe Le Pew (what a nice name you are having)
ReplyDeleteOh! When I am reading your letter...I want to hit myself! Poor guy! Who did teach you to write Anglish? They should be sued! Whatever teacher did teach you that is worth being sued!
I say we fight. We can win. I fight for you. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
I feel betrayed Alfredo!
ReplyDeleteHe's French!
You are only interested in money. You have no pride.
Michael M. Mink, Esq. (what a nice name you are having)
ReplyDeleteNot only do I fight for the little guy. I am the little guy! Ha ha!
But, I think we could probably sue somebody.
I say we fight. I can help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz, Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
WHAT EEZ ZEESE! Outrayzhous! I see zees veedeeos of wheech Takineko speaks! I was undair ze eempression zat ze feelmeeng was for ze documentairee on ze world's greatest lovairs! But ZEESE! 'e adds ze eemazhez of ze keetee cat getteeng painted? And ze viewair eez supposed to seenk zat eet eez ze same as ze skunkette of mutual affection? Nonsense!
ReplyDeleteZe painted keetee cat looks no more like a skunk zan a parrot looks like Clay Aiken!
Monsieur Ruiz, I eemplore you, 'elp me to fight zeese slandair against my eenocent -- but non so "eenocent", n'est-ce pas? -- self. I weel gladly pay you een ze lessons of ze makeeng of ze love.
Oui, oui, I am too zhenairous, I know.
--Pepe le Pew
Takineko (I enjoy this name of yours)
ReplyDeleteI have found the name of a rich Frenchman. His name is Sarkosy or something similar in ways. Perhaps maybe he made you feel bad? Yes?
I say we fight. I can help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz, Esq
Little Lord Lawyery
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletePepe (the pew part of your name is icky)
ReplyDeleteIf you are wanting to be slandered, be slandered by someone very rich. I think this Tom Hanks. Maybe he has been mean and said things wrong to you? Yes?
I say we fight. I can help you. We can win. Think about it.
Alfredo Ruiz, Esq.
Little Lord Lawyery
Gentlemen, I believe the proper course of action would be to focus on suing the Canadians. I posit this scenario for several reasons:
ReplyDelete1) They are polite to a fault. Their initial response will be "how have I inconvenienced you, and what can I do to rectify my transgressions?"
2) They speak French. Many of them do, anyway.
3) It's really cold there. Most of them won't be able to hold a pen in their little frozen Canadian fingers or argue through their stiff, blueish lips. Eventualy the seasons will change, though, so let's get crackin'.
Please think on it.
Thomas Paas
Family Lawyer & plumbing
Note to Thos. Paas, Esquire and GQ:
ReplyDeleteYou are overlooking the fact that there are a significant number of Canadians that are missing their front teeth, like to pummel each other into oblivion, and speak in a manner one would expect from years of getting punched in the head. (I do admit these are some of the few people who can explain the icing rule.) For details, ask Moe "Sulfur Town" LaMarche, the only man living who can produce the theme to "Hockey Night in Canada" via belches.
Mr. Ruiz,
ReplyDeleteMy Ukrainian and Russian neighbors' homes produce some of the most foul cooking smells known to man. Something akin to placing sardines into a broiler filled with vinegar and long passed cheeses.
Do you think I have a case for my uncomfort and personal damage?
PS: Leave the French Canadians alone, the economy is affecting them too - prices of tukes at Canadian Tire have increased 27% in this time of struggle.
Troy