ADIOS ICELAND

As I write this I'm flying home from Iceland. What a total waste of time THAT was! Looks like I won't be buying Iceland after all. Which is too bad. Cuz, I would have been a really cool ruler. As it is now, I'm thinking seriously about suing their butts. I come all that way and even pay for my accountant to come...FOR WHAT? 

My accountant says I misunderstood. He's just mad because I'm making him sit in economy for the flight home. Good riddance! He can walk home for all I care. 

Hold on. There's the flight attendant. I'm gonna get another glass of wine.

Okay. I got my wine. So here's what happened. So a couple of days ago. Wait. I wanna get one of those hot towels from the flight attendant cuz I spilled a little bit of my wine. Hold on.

Okay. I got my hot towel and a fresh glass of wine. So anyway a few days ago my accountant calls and wants to know if I want to buy Iceland and I said yeah. He said, "Well come on by the office and we'll sign the papers."

And I said, "Heck no! If I'm gonna buy Iceland, let's fly to Iceland and do it there. I'll buy us two first class tickets."

And he said, "Cool. Okay. Yeah. I've never been to Iceland and I love first class."

So I'm all, "Yah! Let's do it! I'm buying friggin' Iceland."

So we land in Iceland and then when. Oh, wait, there's the flight attendant. I wanna get me another glass of wine and another hot towel to stuff in the guy's mouth behind me because he's snoring and I am beyond annoyed.

Okay. I got another gliss of win and I stuffed a hot towel in the mouth of the man who is sitting behind me because he's snoring and I didn't pay to hear that. Hold on. A woman in the next aisle is looking at me because I stuffed a towel in that guy's mouth. I'm gonna look back at her and be all, "You looking at me! Mind your own beeswax!"

Cool. I don't think she's gonna bug me anymore cuz I told her off really loud. Anyway, my accountant and I go to the government building in Iceland and we go to this room and there's this guy there and I said, "I'm here to buy Iceland."

And he says, "Fine." And he has me sign some papers and I give him a check and then I ask what happens now and he gives me these...these like little embossed pieces of paper and I'm all...

Hold on. There's the flight attendant. I wanna get another glass of wine and nut. 

The flight attendant says they're out of wine. BUMMER. Hold on. The snoring man behind me has a full glass. I'm gonna go get his wine and come back and finish my little story.

Okay. I got Mr. Chubby snoring man's wine. Cool. Okay. So this dude in the office hands me these pieces of paper and I'm wondering what they are. And he says, those are your bonds. Thank you for investing in Iceland's future. And I'm all, "No. No. No. I just bought your country. I don't want little pieces of paper. I want the keys. I'm the boss of you now."

And he looks at my accountant and is like, "Whu?"

And my accountant is all, "Whu?"

And I'm like, "Whu? I thought I was buying Iceland."

And the guy is all, "In a manner of speaking you are. You're buying into Iceland's future. Your investment will help this country build roads, infrastructure, bridges. Help Iceland get back on it's feet. That's what a bond is."

And I'm all, "What am I? Watching friggin' Mary Poppins? I JUST BOUGHT YOUR COUNTRY DAMNIT. NOW GIVE IT!"

Hold on. I want another glass of wine. The woman next to me is just sipping hers and I don't think she wants it. I'm gonna take it. I'll be right back.

Man. I don't know what her deal is. She said I couldn't take it and I said that she was done with it and she said she wasn't. So I just took it. The nerve of some people. 

Anyway, so I looks at my accountant and I said, "You said we were buying Iceland! And I got all excited about that. And now, all I get are some cruddy pieces of paper? You lied...you lying liar man!" Then I took the bonds and threw them in the Iceland guy's face and said I wanted my money back and he said I couldn't.

Hold on. The flight attendant wants to talk to me.

Whatever. Can you believe this? She's saying I'm being rude and loud and frightening the passengers. So I told her, "Do you know who I am? I almost bought Iceland. That makes me almost the boss of you! So BE GONE, LADY, OR I'LL FIRE YOU." Then I told her to tell the pilot that I order him to go faster.

So...I don't think she told the pilot to go faster. Just a second. I'm gonna go do that. I'll be right back.

Okay. Uhm. They've locked me in the bathroom. Say I have to stay in here till we land. This whole trip has been terrible.

Here's a picture of my cell.