Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Now I've done it. I've only been blogging for two days in my attempt to be interesting, and I've already managed to make some people very angry. One person, in particular, took great offense to my last two posts regarding Cubans and dwarfs. Mr. Alfredo Ruiz of Miami, a Cuban dwarf, left this irate message on my phone machine. In a sense of fairness, I have decided to transcribe it here.

MAN'S VOICE: Hey! hate you! You stupid dumb person who I hate! I am so mad...I could just gouge you out and then laugh my guts off to see you all gouged out and lying there! How dare you say Cubans are insane! You are being insane! You! And what...all dwarfs ride jackals? What? You make me want to spit up all over your garments and then gouge you out! And what are you saying that Cubans argue a lot! You are arguing. You are arguing!!! And...

WOMAN'S VOICE: What are you doing?

MAN'S VOICE: I'm leaving a message for this jerk who I hate!

WOMAN'S VOICE: What? Why now? You've got rice on the stove. You'll over cook it!

MAN'S VOICE: What are you talking about? It cooks for 45 minutes!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Since when? Are you crazy! That's too long. 20 minutes only!

MAN'S VOICE: You're an idiot! We always cook it 45 minutes!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Never! Never have we cooked it 45 minutes.

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: What's going on? I'm hungry!

WOMAN'S VOICE: He's going to overcook the rice.

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: I hate rice!

MAN'S VOICE: You love rice! What are you talking about?

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: I have never liked rice! Your father, Augustine, he liked rice.

WOMAN'S VOICE: He hated rice! And his name was Javier! Javier!

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: No! No! No! No! Javier was the cheese seller. Your brain is filled with dung!

MAN'S VOICE: The cheese seller was Titi Peppa! TITI PEPPA!!!! You stupid old woman!

WOMAN'S VOICE: The rice is going to overcook! It's past 20 minutes!

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: I hate rice!

MAN'S VOICE: Abuela! Put the machete down! Put it down!

OLD WOMAN'S VOICE: It's not a machete! It's a cleaver! A CLEAVER!

WOMAN'S VOICE: The rice!

(Suddenly there was a noise of commotion and a few screams and the line went dead.)

Anyway, hopefully my next few posts won't cause so much anger as my first two. I will attempt to be interesting AND appropriate.


  1. Political Correctness is much too strict. I say let Cubans be Cubans and dwarves ride their Jackals.
    Glad to see this angry, rice hating Cuban man has not deterred you from posting your blog.

    Titi Peppa.. now that's an unfortunate name..

  2. More importantly, how did such a man get your phone number to threaten you? Sounds like an inside job to me... hmm...

  3. To correct myself* It was the old woman who hated rice.. my bad. I promise I'm paying attention.. There's not a test on this is there?

  4. You just go around causing trouble everywhere you go, don't you?

  5. Taki, you sure you're not Cuban? You're arguing with yourself...

    What I wanna know is: Who's gonna speak on behalf of the jackals? The Dutch boy? Isn't he off painting something?

  6. Well Keep, I'm half Mexican, that's got to count for something right?

    I still can't find any laws saying it's legal for a jackal to own a dwarf in LA.

  7. Your posts are a breath of fresh air and various other gases.

    And it is clear that you are well versed in the sciences of the insane ones. May they lose your phone number soon and not overcook the rice. Unless they like their rice overcooked, then they should cook it till the cows come home. Then again, the cows may already be at home. Or the cows may be so far afield that their return to home is highly unlikely. In this case, let's just hope that the cows are able to reorient themselves enough to find their way back to your neighborhood where perhaps they can wreak a little havoc in Hans Kibbling's tuber garden.

    Happy New Year and, of course, Froynlaven to all!

    Hack McCutcheon