Thursday, April 29, 2010


Remember, when things get tough....when things are just too overwhelming...take a deep breath and erlax. Serious. Erlax, man. Sometimes you just gotta go in your room, shut the door, lay on the bed and erlax.

What? You don't know what "erlax" means? Seriously? Well, to be neither. But, I'll try to explain...

A few weeks ago my wife and I were killing time while my daughter was at a birthday party. We walked down the street and passed by Marshalls. Maybe you all don't have a Marshalls where you live. Maybe it's called something else. Maybe Grimelys. Or Huntelys. Or Pattersons. Or Zacks. get the idea.

Now, I had never been in a Marshalls. Inside are a bunch of things that other stores couldn't sell. They have clothes. Shoes. Things that used to be toys. They also have housewares and stuff. It was in the housewares section that I came across the find of a lifetime. Something so special and neat and yummy that I had to have it. It was only 6 dollars. 6 DOLLARS!

And my wife said, "no."

"No?" I replied. "It's only six dollars!"

"No," she said. "It'll only gather dust. I don't want a bunch of junk in the house."

"But, look at it!" I said. "That's the best thing I've ever seen! I can't just walk away from THAT! Look at it! Tell me it isn't the best thing you've ever seen! Tell me."

"I don't want it in the house. There's nowhere to put it."

"I'll put it in my office! There's plenty of room!"

"No. We just spent three months getting rid of stuff in there. You don't need anymore junk."

"Junk? JUNK? How can you possibly call that JUNK? That's one of the most wonderful things I'VE EVER SEEN! IT'S AWESOME! AND I NEED IT!"

"No. That's how your office got cluttered in the first place."

"It's only SIX DOLLARS! SIX DOLLARS!!!!!!!"

"Paul, someone has to stop you. This is one of those times. No."

I sighed deeply. Took out my phone and took a picture of it. If I couldn't have it, I'd at least be able to look at a picture of it from time to time and ponder what it would have been like to have it on my shelf. The find of a lifetime. The most perfect thing I've ever seen."

Anyway. Prepare yourself. Here it is...

It was made in China. Probably on a Friday. The factory worker glued the E and the R in the wrong places. No big deal. But what surprises me is that the folks at Marshalls put it out anyway. I mean, who would want to buy something like this?


So, if you happen to be at the Marshalls in Encino and it's still it. I'll pay you back.

Just don't tell my wife.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I am shamed by pal John McCann's ability to blog through thick and thin...through skin cancer surgery and other bits of life. He is a true blogger. I am unworthy to stand in his shadow. But I will because he's taller.

So, I've been working on the pilot and trying to get it right. It's been fun but I also forgot what it was like to be gainfully employed. People expect things of you. You have to go places and have ideas. You have to shave. You have to eat a good breakfast. (Because, if I haven't made it clear, people expect things from you and you want to be sharp and alert and be able to say, "Yes, Fred. Let's go with that drawing. I'm alert and I think that's a good choice.) You have to sit at a desk. You have to pass people in the hallway and pretend to make eye contact. You have to not randomly shout out, "I want marbles!" (And if you do, you better have a good reason why you want marbles because there will be forms to fill out and the purchasing department will want to know size, shape and approximate amount. And color.) See, I can shout out, "I want marbles" all day long in my own home and no one will want to know why. That's because no one is here most of the day except the dogs and they have no idea what marbles are. And if they did, I surely wouldn't need a job because any dog that knows what marbles are could be sold to a research lab for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I could then live off that money and blog and do my silly skits and stuff. Sure, I'd miss the dog, but I'm sure they'd be nice to him.

The paragraph above is way too big.

Anyway, I think I should catch up with a lot of the stuff that's been going on with me since my last post.

1. I developed a new kind of wheat-less muffin which can be grown from a seed. I sold the technology to the Archer Daniels Midland company and they are now forcing farmers to grow it.

2. I am writing a play about what I think it would have been like had Minnie Riperton been trapped in an elevator with John Madden.

3. A month ago I started reading all 1362 pages of the healthcare bill. I'm still on the first paragraph.

4. I built a miniature city out of cork.

5. We hired a pest control company to capture a monkey that's been gnawing through the drywall in the basement. His name is "Nubs" and I have no idea how he got in there. Sometimes, late at night, I hear him going through my box of Christmas lights. We tried to shoot him a while ago, but since we don't have a gun, we couldn't get him.

6. I have taken to wearing a man girdle.

7. I thought it would be fun to hear all the elements of the periodic table sung to the tune of the Animaniacs theme-song, but I've been informed it's been done. (Sorry, Keeper.).

Anyway, that's what's up. I'm off now to pretend to make eye contact with people.