WHAT I'M GOING TO BUY NOW THAT I'M A MILLIONAIRE Part One

As most of you know, I'm about to come into quite a large sum of money. Like...500 million! Whooooya! Like that sum of money. I know. It's incredible. I'm waiting for confirmation that Paco De Portillo, an accountant in good standing in Bolivia, received my credit card info so he can ship it to me. But it shouldn't be too long.

My mind has been going crazy thinking about what I'm going to do with all that money. I've got some good ideas and thought I'd share them with you.

1. I'm going to pay the outstanding expenses the City Of Los Angeles incurred during the Michael Jackson funeral. I think this would show that I deserve to have a street named after me. There's a street I've been eyeing and it would be the perfect Rugg Avenue. Or boulevard. Or way. I think I like that the most. Rugg Way. It sorta says that I not only have a street named for me, but I sorta know the way. Cuz I'm a millionaire and important and the "way" I do things really are better than the way you do them.

2. I'm going to purchase Roberto Benigni.

Here's my thinking on buying Roberto Benigni. See, with all that money comes a lot of stress. And I know there are going to be days when so much is going on that I'm going to need a laugh. So I'll have Roberto come into the office and do something funny and Italian. Maybe something with a silly hat. Then, I'll send him away and get on with my important millionaire stuff.

3. An Oxo Olive and Cherry Pitter

When I was poor I had the time to pit cherries and olives. But now that I'm a millionaire...good bye to that horrible chore! This Oxo Olive and Cherry pitter will do the work for me. Actually, I'll have Roberto Benigni do it. But it'll be a breeze with this amazing device!

4. Thaw Walt Disney's Brain And Get That Man Back To Work!

I miss watching his show on Sunday night. And, to be honest with you, I think the company would be better with him back in the lead instead of those creepy pencil pushers running the company right now. I'm going to hire a team of doctors to thaw his brain, slap it in his body and get him going! If his body isn't around anymore I'll have them use Roberto Benigni's. We'll put Roberto's brain in a chimp or something.

5. Donate Al Sharpton To Norway

He's done so much good here. It's time he was given a long while to help the people of Norway with all their problems.