Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Window Lottery

I am finally home. And I return with a newfound respect for windows. More precisely, I have a newfound respect for what windows provide. Views.

I have been in many a hotel these past three weeks. I have seen many things. I have seen many things because each hotel room had a window. Through these windows I could see my surroundings. Sometimes the view was nice. Like in Miami.

See? Isn't that nice? There are boats. There's a little island or something. There's a big tree. There's water and junk.

Every time I checked into a hotel, I would move quickly to the window to see what there was to see. Sadly, I was in Miami only a few short hours to appreciate this nice view.

Sometimes my view was not so nice.

Such a view was found in Muncie. Muncie is an otherwise very nice place. However, I would be remiss if I did not point out that the view from my motel room wasn't very appealing.
Here it is. It's the Stoops GM dealership across the street. Stoops has many good cars for you to buy. I should know. I counted them all. There were over 100. There were many colors to choose from. There were many models. I saw a woman buy a car. It was interesting. Not super interesting. But sorta interesting. Super interesting would have been if the woman bought a car and then turned into an alien and sucked everyone's brains out through their eye sockets. But she didn't. She just bought the car and then drove off the lot. I don't know where she drove off to, but it was probably somewhere in Muncie. That's the thing about looking out your hotel room window. You can only see so much. You have to imagine the rest. I'd like to think the woman that bought the car eventually turned into an alien and sucked
somebody's brain out through their eye sockets. But, that's only speculation.
Most likely she drove home and made pot roast and then fed the dog.

Moving on, sometimes the view from my hotel room was nondescript. Like this view from my room in Glen Ellyn, Illinois.

There's a big tree there. And a parking lot beyond. The tree never moved to allow me to see anything else. I thought about getting a chainsaw and cutting it down, but propriety steadied this impulse. I was a visitor in Illinois. I didn't want to anger anyone but cutting down their trees. Illinois has many trees and I didn't think they'd miss this particular one, but it might have had
special significance to someone. Maybe that's were Bob proposed marriage to Gwen. Maybe they came to that tree every year to celebrate. If I had cut it down, they'd probably wonder what happened. Next thing you know, Bob would leave Gwen. Gwen would go crazy and take her rage out on monkeys. I don't know if Illinois has many monkeys, but I couldn't risk it. I would just have to imagine what was beyond that tree. Or watch TV.

Yes, there are many views I witnessed. But one view in particular was astounding. It was a view so startling, so creepy and so bleak, that I will never forget it.

It was 3am when I checked into the hotel in Indianapolis. I was too tired to check out my view. That would wait until morning. When morning arrived, I threw open the curtains and came face to face with...
I wasn't prepared for this. What the heck was I looking at. Whatever those things are they were huge. At least 15 feet tall.

Surely looking out the window the other way would provide some glimmer of hope!

So I looked.


Saw the same thing.

The wall behind these ducts went up 10 stories.

This was not a view. It was a glimpse at a distopian future where machines ruled and man was no more.

No birds. No trees. Just a big, beige wall and air ducts.

Man had been exterminated. Just big clunky machines remained. Big clunky machines that made clunky machine noises.

How I longed to see Stoops GM dealership! Or a tree that blocked my view. Where had all the people gone? What had we done?

I quickly closed my window. I refused to open it ever again. Luckily, we checked out the next day. But still!

So please. Don't ever complain about a view again. Be thankful for Stoops GM dealership. Chunky trees. Anything. Anything is better than this.

Trust me.


  1. The machines obviously rose to power after that alien lady sucked out everyone's brains through their eye sockets.

  2. Right! This must be linked somehow... maybe we should avoid brain-through-eye-socket-sucking women next time.

  3. Welcome home.

    If you look out your kitchen window, you'll see a plump squirrel looking in.

    That's what I saw once.