GOT MY COSTUME

JUST A LITTLE MORE HALLOWEEN HELP

Yikes! So close to our halloween office party and I'm still not sure what do go as. Thanks for some of your suggestions, but I'm still torn. I've gone ahead and used photoshop to put my head in the following costumes. Lemme know. Time is running out!

HALLOWEEN HELP!!!!

This happens every year! I did it again. Here it is the week before Halloween and I don't have my costume for our office party. Anyway...listen...if ya'll wouldn't mind...take a look at the following costumes and let me know which one you like best. I've narrowed it down to my favorites.

"Hello, Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is The Captain And..."

"Unfortunately, I've been arguing with co-pilot for the last hour and...well...the funny thing is...ha ha ha...we're 200 miles from where we're supposed to be. But we're going to turn around now and go back. So sit back, relax and enjoy some of the fine food we don't carry on board anymore."

Okay, Froynlaven readers. So, yesterday's blog about the balloon boy was a bit of a bummer. That won't happen again. Only happiness and joy here. Which is why I'm pleased as punch to talk about another true story that will make you smile and never fly again.

This happened just a few days ago. And here it is: A Northwest Airlines jet was flying from San Diego to Minneapolis. I'm not a geography expert but Minneapolis is somewhere in the middle of the country but higher up towards Canada...or Russia. I'll find out. I know it's not near Florida.

Anyway, it seems as the jet approached Minneapolis, the air traffic controllers tried to call them on the radio to tell them important information like..."Hi. This is Minneapolis. We're down here. You should land...especially since this is where you're supposed to be."

But, it turns out. The pilots didn't respond. It continued to fly over Minneapolis at 37,000 feet. The air traffic controllers kinda get nervous when stuff like that happens. So they contacted the air force and put fighter jets on stand by in case there was a problem. Like a hijacking or something. You know. That sort of thing.

Well...a long time went by. And air traffic control suddenly got a call from the Northwest Plane. Seems they had been busy and totally forgot where they were going. The plane turned around and landed. An hour late. But mistakes happen. The pilots said they had been having a heated discussion and totally lost track of time....AND...where they were. Again. This is totally understandable.

I have a friend who works at the NTSB and he's managed to get me the audio recording of the cockpit voice recorder. Here it is...

CAPTAIN: "You're an idiot, Frank. Superman is indestructible. Got it?"

CO-PILOT: "Batman could do it!"

CAPTAIN: "Get your head out of your butt! How? How could Batman hurt Superman? Seriously. How?"

CO-PILOT: "Well, I'm not exactly sure. But he's got all that stuff. He's way smarter than Superman. So he'd come up with a plan."

CAPTAIN: " A PLAN?!!! See! That's what I'm saying! You're not telling me anything. A plan! HOW? WHAT'S THE PLAN! Think it through! You can't! And you know why? BECAUSE HE COULDN'T DO IT!

CO-PILOT: "No. No. He could do it. It would be a trap or something."

CAPTAIN: "Are you listening to yourself, Phil? Are you? Are you seriously listening to yourself. Because I am. And all I'm hearing is a bunch of crap! How the hell is Batman gonna beat Superman?"

CO-PILOT: "Okay. Fine. Kryptonite. He'd put it in a little box and and spring it on Superman at the last minute."

CAPTAIN: "Kryptonite. Again with the Kryptonite! I told you, Phil. No Kryptonite. This is theoretical. I said, how could Batman hurt Superman WITHOUT KRYPTONITE. That's how we started this whole thing. I said NO KRYPTONITE.

CO-PILOT: "You did?"

CAPTAIN: "I did."

CO-PILOT: "I didn't hear that."

CAPTAIN: "Obviously. So. Without Kryptonite, how the hell is Batman gonna hurt Superman?"

CO-PILOT: A trap."

CAPTAIN: "YOU'RE SAYING TRAP AGAIN BUT YOUR NOT TELLING ME HOW HE..."

[Cockpit door opens.]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "Excuse me, Captain. One of the passengers said we flew over Minneapolis an hour ago."

CAPTAIN: "Really?"

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "I think so."

CAPTAIN: "Hmmm. That's not gonna look good."

CO-PILOT: "Go tell him he's mistaken."

CAPTAIN: "Good idea."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "I tried that already. But he says he's the mayor and he knows what it looks like."

CAPTAIN: "Shoot. Okay. Uhm. I know. Okay. Tell the passengers we flew through an interdimensionary time warp."

CO-PILOT: "That's how Batman would do it."

CAPTAIN: "Do what?"

CO-PILOT: Trap Superman. An interdimensionary time warp."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "We should probably turn around."

CAPTAIN: "How is Batman gonna create a time warp?"

CO-PILOT: He doesn't have to. Alfred would do it.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "Because we're almost in Michigan. And we're supposed to go to Minneapolis. And that's where the passengers kinda planned on going."

CAPTAIN: "But Alfred would have to be super smart to think of something like that."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "We're out of peanuts, too."

CO-PILOT: "He is super smart!"

CAPTAIN: "Yeah. Well, Phil. You got me."

CO-PILOT: "HAAA! YES!"

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: "I think I see Canada."

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE

And what I refuse to believe is all of this stuff about the Balloon Boy. I'm not going there. It's too painful. Here's what I've decided to believe because it's so much better my way. Don't try to talk me out of it. I'm not budging on this. So here goes...

I'm choosing to believe that there is this totally cool family who chase storms and stuff. The super cool dad is a crazy scientist who builds all sorts of contraptions. His kids are way into all that stuff. So is the mom who's also super cool.

I'm choosing to believe that he built a space ship balloon because he likes to invent stuff. I'm choosing to believe his youngest boy accidentally let it loose and was sooooo upset about what he had done that he hid in the attic.

I'm choosing to believe all that because it's so American and cool and old fashioned and fits in perfectly with 200 years of crazy folks who have made this country what it is...was.... or something. I'm choosing to believe this because it's so much better than the painful truth: That somebody wanted to be so famous and on a reality TV show that they put the country through 2 hours of collective hell.

I''ve said it before and I'll say it again. Paddy Chayefsky was a prophet. Watch the movie NETWORK. That's your homework.

Five years ago we yanked the cable in disgust. It's been fine.

I don't know who anyone is anymore. But that's fine, too.

Anyway, no matter what you hear about the whole Balloon Boy thing. Don't tell me. I'm gonna believe it my way.

CHESTER PHELP GUEST BLOG

I'm sorta busy today but Chester Phelph said he'd blog for me. Thanks, Chester!

A BLOG ABOUT THE TIME THIS ONE THING HAPPENED AND I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT IT

I think it was Winston Churchill who once said something. And he was right! Something similar happened to me in Melbourne a few years back when I was performing at the Comedy Festival in the Henson Company's Puppet Up. None of that is really important, but it makes me sound as if I've done interesting things. That also isn't important, but I'm feeling fragile today and like reading that I've been to Melbourne. This also isn't important. Frankly, the only things you really need to take from this paragraph are the following:

1. That Winston Churchill said something.

2. What he said is similar to something that happened to me.

3. It was at a Chinese restaurant.

Paragraph Nazis will no doubt point out that I never mentioned anything about a Chinese restaurant in the first paragraph and therefor can't be included in a summation of important points to remember about the paragraph. Ha! I was utilizing the French literary technique known as Pète trop nombreuses. It's super French and used by people who quote Churchill.

Anyway, there we were sitting in the Chinese restaurant. They had chairs so this was easily accomplished. I excused myself and asked where the restroom was. (By the way, in Australia they don't call it the restroom. They call it the toilet. However, I could never bring myself to ask where the toilet was. It just seems so. You know. Restroom sounds so much better and clean and not so poopy. Restroom sounds like a place where I could potentially go to rest and freshen my face with a towel.)

Once inside the restroom...for that is what I will call it...I came face to face with the oldest air-blown hand dryer in the entire world. In fact, this could have been the very first one. I'm sure of it.

I'm sure of it because of the instructions. And, as nearly as I can recall, here they are.

This is the Dyna-Dry 5200. Do not be worried or leave. This device will make your hands devoid of moisture by using air and hot heat. Do not be alarmed by the sound of air or the hot heat. This is normal. Use the device to dry your hands ONLY. Drying anything else that is damp is potentially dangerous and embarrassing. To activate the Dyna-Dry 5200 place your feet on the rubber grounding pad. Failure to ground your feet properly could lead to death. Detach all metal such as rings, watches and bracelets from your person before proceeding. Make sure your hands are sufficiently moist before using the Dyna-Dry 5200. Hands not sufficiently moist could be burned. Horribly. Use the attached safety goggles before activating the Dyna-Dry 5200. Failure to use the safety goggles could lead to eyeball discomfort such as blurred visions, blindness or retinal melting. Wear the lead vest (not provided at all locations) over your chest by binding the cross strap at the nexus between your abdomen and clavicle. Now you're ready to experience the finest in hand drying without a towel. Note the two large buttons at the top of the Dyna-Dry 5200. The large green button in labeled START. The orange button is labeled SUMMON HELP. While using the Dyna-Dry 5200, it is wise to keep at least one finger within pushing distance of the SUMMON HELP button. If, during the drying process, you feel extreme discomfort and are unable to press the SUMMON HELP button, simply drop to your knees, grab the thermal blanket and begin the roll-over maneuver. Once the fire is out, simply crawl out of the room while keeping your head away from the smoke. Enjoy the Dyna-5200. Another quality product from the Perth Munitions Company.

So, there it is. Churchill was right.

APPSAPLEPSIA

4TH GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES REVIEW NOTES

Apologies to readers of my blog. I'm afraid it's been hijacked for today. My daughter is responsible for providing the Social Studies test notes for her study group and, since she doesn't have an email, this is the only way for the other kids to get the info. It's someone else's job next week, so we shouldn't have to ever do this again.

Sorry...

4TH GRAIDE STUDIE NOTES FOR TEST ON SOCIAL STUDIES CHAPTER 5 - 6

1. ARCHEOLOGISTS - Okay, so like these guys like, dig stuff up and it's mostly really old because the people that used them were super old dead people and the archeologists can find out about how the dead people lived because they get paid to do that. An example of something the dead people used is a rock with a chip in it. This was used, to like, saw the meats off of an animal and then get eaten or worn like a coat.

2. THE GIGNER-BOSE SCALE - Okay, so like there was this guy Mr. Gigner and he got together with his friend Mr. Bose and they came up with this idea which basically is a way to do things which helps us today to understand that kind of stuff because before people used to have to do that sort of thing differently or even figure it out in their heads or just guess. But now, no.

3. TRIBE - Okay like, a tribe is a group of people who all like the same sorta thing and they kill other people who don't. An example of this would be two groups.

4. PLAINS - Like, these are really boring flat places where buffalo and native Americans used to live but now they don't because Europeans ruined everything and should have stayed in Europe with other Europeans.

5. STRAIT - See, like a long time ago there was this strait which is sorta like a bridge kinda things and people walked on it from Chinese all the way to America. But it's gone now because of global warming, oil companies and long time ago humans.

6. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS - This totally evil guy who ruined everything because he only thought of himself and not others and was totally evil and who made it so that ever since he came things here have really gone down hill and he should have stayed in Europe and been like, a shoe maker or something like that. He killed a lot of people.

7. NORTH AMERICA - A place that used to be a good place to live back when there weren't any people living here.

8. CARTOGRAPHER - So, like these people make coffee in an old fashioned way which includes sticks.

9. CALIFORNIA - The largest place on the west coast. Europeans stole it from Mexico by doing a trick with bears and that's unfair. California has many things including dirt, celery, wine and artisenal bread.

10. THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS - Big mountains that are huge and enormous and rocky and somewhere in America. Over time global warming will make them explode and kill all young children no matter where they live. This could happen in like, five years unless humans stop having gas.

11. PUBLIC OPTION - Only mean people who want everyone to die don't like this. It is a good idea and makes good sense for all sorts of reasons. It is totally fair to kick people who feel this way.

ESSAY QUESTION (BE PREPARED TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING)

A. How will human beings eventually cause the sky to catch on fire and kill all young children no matter where they live?

AIR FORCE ONE AND ME

We've established...I think...that I'm sort of an aviation junkie. If I haven't then I'll correct that right now.

I'm an aviation junkie.

I think we've also established that I'm afraid to fly. If I haven't I'll also correct that right now.

I'm afraid to fly.

Which is why Saturday night was super neato. I got to go into a really spiffy jet which was not going to go up into the sky where spooky, icky, scary things are. For once I could enjoy being in a jet and not ask for someone to knock me out.

The jet was Air Force One which is on permanent display at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley. It was Ronald Reagan's Air Force One which is why it's at the Reagan Library and not at the Clinton Library. I'm not sure if Bill Clinton has a library. Maybe someone could look it up. I'd do it, but with things being so busy and crazy right now, I just don't have the time. Sure I could have googled it in the time it took to type this sentence. But I have something more important to do.

And that important something is to show you this picture...

This is a picture of my wife and I as we entered Air Force One. Actually, that's not my wife's head. She has requested to remain anonymous so I have replaced her with Herve Villechaiz.

You probably can't tell, but I'm super excited to go into Air Force One. I love jets. We've established that. We have, right?

I don't normally go around in a suit but we were at the Reagan Library for a fundraising dinner for the Pregnancy Counseling Center of Mission Hills. (Which is a super cool organization that helps women in crisis pregnancies to keep their babies by providing all sorts of great resources.)

Anyway, guests of this fundraiser got to walk around the library for free before dinner. Part of that walk included Air Force One. In my case, I ran. I ran to Air Force One. My wife said to slow down. But I didn't. Cuz I like planes. We've established that. Read the first sentence.

There also happened to be another event that night. I don't know what it was...but the people at that event were super important. More important than us. My wife and I were mistaken for those more important people. Perhaps it was my blue tie. I don't know.

Once inside Air Force One, and mistaken for these more important people, we were then invited to sit in the cockpit. I was all gooey and said something like, "Really? We can? Wow. Seriously?" I think I started to cry. Which leads to my second picture

I'm in the captain seat. My wife is in the co-pilot's seat. Again, that's not my wife's head. I've replaced it with Herve Villechaize because she doesn't want her picture on the web thing.

I wanted to sit in the cockpit forever, press all the buttons and make engine noises. I would have unless we didn't had to go to the dinner. In fact, I think I told my wife to go to the dinner and come back when it was over. She didn't like this idea. Before we left the cockpit I kissed the wheely thing.

As we made our way through Air Force One, we were treated better than other people. Because, if I haven't made this clear, we were mistaken for being important people from the other event.

Now, I've done this tour before. It's a great tour. But there are few velvet ropes keeping you from stepping into certain rooms. Like the cockpit. And...Reagan's personal office. However, as we approached that section of the plane, the rope was removed and I was bid welcome to sit in President Reagan's chair at his desk. Which leads me to the last photo.

This is me. I put Herve Villechaize's head there just because.

This is where Ronald Reagan sat and did Ronald Reagan things. And had my wife and I not been mistaken for being more important than we are, I never would have gotten that chance to sit here.

So, if you ever go to the Reagan Museum and want to sit in the cockpit, wear a suit and a tie and look like you're important. Don't bring Herve Villechaaize because he's dead and that would be awkward.

Let's Catch Up...

So, here I promised to Blog a lot when summer ended and I blew it! I blew it! No other way to put it. Well, there is...but I'm not going to.

Firstly...I think Keeper's Musical Challenge was AMAZING. So, I don't care what anyone else says...he wins the prizes. And something else. I'll tell you next week what that is. (They're handing out Nobel Prizes like candy these days, so maybe I'll get him one of those.)

But enough of anything remotely political. This is a happy place.

Anyway, my plans to blog were obliterated by a script assignment which I just finished. There's also a pilot I sold along with a friend to "another network". Been working on that all summer and I hope to be able to say yummy things about it in November. I think you'd like it.

Starting Monday however, I'll go back to the old ways of blogging. We'll have music and video and prizes and clowns and other things.

Okay then...

Monday. Prizes. Clowns. Music. Video. And a poem from my dog, Lucky. Also we'll speak some Spanish. We'll learn how to cook some Cuban meals. We'll check in with Chuck Melville and see what's coming up at 11...

IT'S MONDAY AND SO...

Time to check out Keeper's response to the latest musical challenge!