Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I think it was Winston Churchill who once said something. And he was right! Something similar happened to me in Melbourne a few years back when I was performing at the Comedy Festival in the Henson Company's Puppet Up. None of that is really important, but it makes me sound as if I've done interesting things. That also isn't important, but I'm feeling fragile today and like reading that I've been to Melbourne. This also isn't important. Frankly, the only things you really need to take from this paragraph are the following:

1. That Winston Churchill said something.

2. What he said is similar to something that happened to me.

3. It was at a Chinese restaurant.

Paragraph Nazis will no doubt point out that I never mentioned anything about a Chinese restaurant in the first paragraph and therefor can't be included in a summation of important points to remember about the paragraph. Ha! I was utilizing the French literary technique known as P├Ęte trop nombreuses. It's super French and used by people who quote Churchill.

Anyway, there we were sitting in the Chinese restaurant. They had chairs so this was easily accomplished. I excused myself and asked where the restroom was. (By the way, in Australia they don't call it the restroom. They call it the toilet. However, I could never bring myself to ask where the toilet was. It just seems so. You know. Restroom sounds so much better and clean and not so poopy. Restroom sounds like a place where I could potentially go to rest and freshen my face with a towel.)

Once inside the restroom...for that is what I will call it...I came face to face with the oldest air-blown hand dryer in the entire world. In fact, this could have been the very first one. I'm sure of it.

I'm sure of it because of the instructions. And, as nearly as I can recall, here they are.

This is the Dyna-Dry 5200. Do not be worried or leave. This device will make your hands devoid of moisture by using air and hot heat. Do not be alarmed by the sound of air or the hot heat. This is normal. Use the device to dry your hands ONLY. Drying anything else that is damp is potentially dangerous and embarrassing. To activate the Dyna-Dry 5200 place your feet on the rubber grounding pad. Failure to ground your feet properly could lead to death. Detach all metal such as rings, watches and bracelets from your person before proceeding. Make sure your hands are sufficiently moist before using the Dyna-Dry 5200. Hands not sufficiently moist could be burned. Horribly. Use the attached safety goggles before activating the Dyna-Dry 5200. Failure to use the safety goggles could lead to eyeball discomfort such as blurred visions, blindness or retinal melting. Wear the lead vest (not provided at all locations) over your chest by binding the cross strap at the nexus between your abdomen and clavicle. Now you're ready to experience the finest in hand drying without a towel. Note the two large buttons at the top of the Dyna-Dry 5200. The large green button in labeled START. The orange button is labeled SUMMON HELP. While using the Dyna-Dry 5200, it is wise to keep at least one finger within pushing distance of the SUMMON HELP button. If, during the drying process, you feel extreme discomfort and are unable to press the SUMMON HELP button, simply drop to your knees, grab the thermal blanket and begin the roll-over maneuver. Once the fire is out, simply crawl out of the room while keeping your head away from the smoke. Enjoy the Dyna-5200. Another quality product from the Perth Munitions Company.

So, there it is. Churchill was right.


  1. Sadly, you can't trust the paper towels in public restrooms to be safe either.


  2. PROTIP: You can put a toilet in a restroom, but you can't put a restroom in a toilet. (Not yet, anyway. How about it, science?)