Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Apologies to readers of my blog. I'm afraid it's been hijacked for today. My daughter is responsible for providing the Social Studies test notes for her study group and, since she doesn't have an email, this is the only way for the other kids to get the info. It's someone else's job next week, so we shouldn't have to ever do this again.



1. ARCHEOLOGISTS - Okay, so like these guys like, dig stuff up and it's mostly really old because the people that used them were super old dead people and the archeologists can find out about how the dead people lived because they get paid to do that. An example of something the dead people used is a rock with a chip in it. This was used, to like, saw the meats off of an animal and then get eaten or worn like a coat.

2. THE GIGNER-BOSE SCALE - Okay, so like there was this guy Mr. Gigner and he got together with his friend Mr. Bose and they came up with this idea which basically is a way to do things which helps us today to understand that kind of stuff because before people used to have to do that sort of thing differently or even figure it out in their heads or just guess. But now, no.

3. TRIBE - Okay like, a tribe is a group of people who all like the same sorta thing and they kill other people who don't. An example of this would be two groups.

4. PLAINS - Like, these are really boring flat places where buffalo and native Americans used to live but now they don't because Europeans ruined everything and should have stayed in Europe with other Europeans.

5. STRAIT - See, like a long time ago there was this strait which is sorta like a bridge kinda things and people walked on it from Chinese all the way to America. But it's gone now because of global warming, oil companies and long time ago humans.

6. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS - This totally evil guy who ruined everything because he only thought of himself and not others and was totally evil and who made it so that ever since he came things here have really gone down hill and he should have stayed in Europe and been like, a shoe maker or something like that. He killed a lot of people.

7. NORTH AMERICA - A place that used to be a good place to live back when there weren't any people living here.

8. CARTOGRAPHER - So, like these people make coffee in an old fashioned way which includes sticks.

9. CALIFORNIA - The largest place on the west coast. Europeans stole it from Mexico by doing a trick with bears and that's unfair. California has many things including dirt, celery, wine and artisenal bread.

10. THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS - Big mountains that are huge and enormous and rocky and somewhere in America. Over time global warming will make them explode and kill all young children no matter where they live. This could happen in like, five years unless humans stop having gas.

11. PUBLIC OPTION - Only mean people who want everyone to die don't like this. It is a good idea and makes good sense for all sorts of reasons. It is totally fair to kick people who feel this way.


A. How will human beings eventually cause the sky to catch on fire and kill all young children no matter where they live?


  1. I call no way.

    As a teacher, I know that textbooks totally don't talk like this. (And this is all from the teacher, s/he needs a dope slap to be a little more neutral.) And your daughter has very high vocabulary for a fourth grader... Are you sure you aren't helping her?

  2. Bryan,

    I must confess...but only to one else...that I...forgive me...made some of this up. There. I said it.

    Her teacher is amazing.

    The only thing I didn't make up was the Cartographer. I happen to know all that is true.


  3. Admit it, these are just your old notes from college.

  4. A. How will human beings eventually cause the sky to catch on fire and kill all young children no matter where they live?

    Answer: By causing lots of flamible pollution until the entire atmosphere is ready to go up with one match.

  5. Takineko,

    See, I think your answer is did not answer it by first restating the question. Like this...

    Human beings will eventually cause the sky to catch on causing.....with one match.

    See, I hate to be a jerk, but I can't say how many times I've asked you kids to do that. Seriously. I don't know what I have to do

  6. Oh poo!
    This is why I don't like the public school system.

  7. My favorite school textbook question appeared in the National Lampoon over thirty years ago:

    "Who were the Quakers and where did they get their idea for puffed rice?"