Tuesday, February 3, 2009


This morning I heard audio of actor Christian Bale being not at all nice to a director of photography who accidentally ruined a scene being filmed.

I don't know if you've heard the audio, but Mr. Bale has quite a large potty mouth and uses many bad words. Many. Many many many. He's also very angry. Angry angry angry. If you want to hear it, I warn you that it is very explicit and mean spirited. CLICK. But make sure you come back. Because I have some ideas to help Christian Bale get back to his happy place.

Welcome back. Wasn't that icky? Didn't you feel for the poor director of photography? I almost cried. (But didn't.)

Well, while you were listening to that, I sent off an email to Mr. Bale with some helpful tips on how to control such outbreaks and get back to a happy place. Remember, my wife is Cuban. I know what I'm taking about.

1. Remember, Christian, you are very rich. Quite a bit richer than most everyone else. When you want to yell and be mean to someone, think about how much richer you are than them and how insignificant they are in the general scheme of things. Reserve your anger for those who are richer than you. They are the ones you should be angry at; people who have more than you. For instance, I don't think anyone would have a problem with you berating the president of China, HU Jintao.

This man is far more powerful and much more deserving of your ire.

2. Hold a puppy.
 Keep a crate of 6 week old puppies nearby. With your incredible wealth, I'm sure it would be easy to keep a weekly supply of puppies on hand. HOWEVER, you must not keep them over one week. 7 week old puppies tend to play bite and I wouldn't want you going ballistic on a puppy.

3. Move To Australia.

Having been to Australia myself, I happen to know that it's a much happier place than Hollywood. They have all those cute, little Koalas. The air is fresh. Everyone says, "no worries" and means it. And, if you think you feel a tantrum coming on, you can always go to the outback where there are thousands of empty, square miles for you to stomp around and be angry in without bothering anyone. You might even run into Russell Crowe and the two of you can maul a dingo.

4. Remember Micky Rourke?

He had a pretty good career going, too. Until...anger and weirdness made people not want to hire him. For years he just sat there being weird. Years and years of nobody calling. The same could happen to you. Don't be angry and weird. (But he's come a long way and learned the puppy tip.)

5. Wrestle a bear. 
It's amazing how much happier you'll feel after having survived.

6. Keep this up and nobody will like you. In these trying economic times, nobody wants to hear about a rich, whiny, self-centered, moody, mean-spirited actor yelling at people. They won't want to go see your movies. They'll want to laugh. They'll want to see more funny, happy movies like, 'Paul Blart - Mall Cop' which cost substantially less than yours and makes more economic sense.

7. Play with clay. Studies have shown that idle hands are angry hands. If someone on the set makes you mad, go to your dressing room and make a clay figure of them. Then mash them and squeeze them and hurt them. Return to the set a happier man.

8. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Don't spend it being a jerk. 


  1. I to have some tips for mister Bale.
    9. Take a trip somewhere nice like say...Somalia. I'm sure they will appreciate your temperament and lack of perspective in a nation where anyone can die horribly at a whim.
    10. Take a loooong walk...off a short pier. Scientists have proven that moisture helps sooth the savage beast. And that seaways neatly into...
    11. Go soak your head. No one likes a prima donna.
    These helpful tips and more brought to you by SquirrelyWrath. SquirrelyWrath. Going upside your head since 1976.

  2. I had heard about this, but didn't go look for the audio because I don't like listening to mean people. But I went ahead and clicked the link. At first I thought, he's an actor.. maybe they just took audio from an upcoming movie to make him look bad? But no. That was a real tempertantrum.

    [lol wrestling bears]

    12. Go home to England and assault your family members.. oh wait..

  3. I think he may be beyond the point of puppies helping him, and possibly the clay. I definitely agree with the bear wrestling, though.

  4. I dunno, you guys. Sometimes D.P.s can be really mean. We don't know if that D.P. on the set there had crazy eyes or whatnot, because if he did have crazy eyes, then that would explain why Christian Bale sounded so scared. Have you ever seen a D.P. with the crazy eyes? If you have, then YOU KNOW.

    So let's not be all so judgmental about the situation, because we don't have any visuals to go with the horror show I'm sure we all saw in our heads. Of course, my horror show included a D.P. with the CRAZY EYES, so...

    Well, that's that. And plus Christian Bale is super cute so it's hard not to forgive his manly rages.

    Tiffany Lamp
    Junior Manager, Makeup and Hair Depot
    Oshkenogen, WI

    F***ITY F*** F***Y-F***ITY-F***!!!

    Christian Bale
    c/o Happyland Center
    for the Contempletively Challenged
    Long Windy Driveway
    Roanoak, VA 71725

  6. OK now I'm imagining Paul as a superhero. Froynlaven Man!!!

  7. It's a bit hard to distinguish "Paul as a super hero" from Freakazoid though. What are Froynlaven man's powers?

  8. I dunno, but after posting that, this came to my head... to the chorus of "Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay":

    He is Froynlaven Man
    His skin his very tan
    But he won't eat a ham
    'Cause he's Froynlaven Man!

    He likes to sing a song
    But always gets it wrong
    So you can't sing along
    And that's just the way it goes.