I don't know if you've heard, but we're all going to die!
Seriously. It's coming. One way or another, we're all doomed.
It could be global warming. It could be the worldwide recession. (A recession so severe we're all going to become wandering nomads of hunter gatherers. I've seen Road Warrior. Well, if it comes to that, I warn you...we're protected by a fierce toy chihuahua. You won't know what hit you. So stay away from our eggs! You hear?! They're OURS! I've been digging tunnels. We have traps. Oh yes. We have gizmos and traps and if you even touch our eggs you'll be impaled on this rusty impaling thing I invented.)
We could die from drinking our polluted water. We could be done in by global cooling! (Which is similar to global warming only much cooler.) It could be climate change! (Which has elements of global warming, global cooling and man-eating, carnivorous tornadoes.) It could be bird flu! SARS! NO SPARE PARTS FOR MY PONTIAC! It could be Asteroid B-58-1 which is lurking out there in space just waiting to KILL US ALL! Or it could be...SWINE FLU!
(However, I heard today that Joe Biden has suggested that if we all just stand away from each other in the middle of a field...we should be safe. But don't you even think about getting near OUR field. I've got it booby-trapped with booby-traps. Some of them are quite painful I assure you and even more rusty than the impaling gizmos I invented to protect our eggs.)
THERE IS SO MUCH TO FEAR!
But I'm all panicked out. Seriously. Seems like we've been living in panic mode for too many years now and I'm exhausted. Swine Flu just may be our doom, but seems like everything is going to be our doom.
I am reminded of Y2K.
The theory behind it went something like this: At 12:01am on January 1st, 2000...our computers would kill us in our beds.
My daughter was about to be born a few weeks before that dreaded 12:01am nightmare came true.
The news reports were super scary. People were moving to bunkers in Idaho. I thought about us moving to Idaho but the daily commute to Los Angeles would have been a killer. Plus I don't like bunkers. There's something way too Bergtesgarden about it.
But what would the point be anyway? Our computers would just kill us. Planes would drop from the sky. A malicious computer would force us to watch Golden Girls reruns 24 hours a day...on every channel.
And what about my newborn daughter? No computers = no medicine. No food. No water. No power. NO NOTHING!
I panicked. I bought a 5 month supply of powdered milk and freeze dried food from a company in Utah. I did. No joke. (But as the rest of the world floundered my family and I would be happy with our reconstituted egg product.) I was smart. Forward thinking. Brilliant.
And then...at 12:01am on January 1st, 2000...I waited in the dark...in a corner of the bedroom...waited for my computer to slowly creep up on me and KILL ME! I had a baseball bat and my dad's old army helmet. I was prepared. I encased my sleeping wife and newborn daughter in bubble wrap. And then...
The sun came up and...
Five years ago we threw out the last remaining bits of freeze dried food which had all gone way past their expiration dates. We had tried to have some of the food once a week...but it was nasty.
Since that day I have decided to fear wisely.