Wednesday, January 6, 2010

And Now...

By now most of you know that I have been appointed by our government as US Ambassador to island nation of Grand Marnier in the Flekl-Kipsy archipelago. (The lesser of the three Lariation archipelagos of the Johansen sub-equitorial region of the Kaliburton/Nessmer tectonic induction zone - PF3-GK.)

We have been preparing for the move and, obviously, it's been pretty busy. Sadly, they don't allow dogs on Grand Marnier so we had them put down. It was all very humane. There were no injections or gasses. The dogs were simply shown the the blue-ray version of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. They were dead within six minutes. There's something about looking at an ugly, creepy, old, baby that causes dogs to lapse into a coma. After that, their spleens explode. There's a weird, muffled, popping sound. That's how you know they're dead.

Anywoo, happily, we've been told that the government of Grand Marnier is going to gift us with a large lizard. Evidently it bites, but they've fitted it with something called a "head-cage". My daughter can't wait. She wants to name it Sniffles.

As you can imagine it was quite a shock to learn that I had been appointed US Ambassador to Grand Marnier. It turns out that the King of Grand Marnier, King King, is a big Freakazoid fan. He attended college here in the States. He told me (through his interpreter) that he used to stumble home in a drunken fog from frat parties at 6am on Saturday mornings. That's when the WB used to air Freakazoid. He told me he used to lay in the bathroom in a puddle of his own vomit while watching our show.

Some 12 years later, little has changed. Still drunk, he continues to lay in the bathroom in a puddle of his own vomit and watch Freakazoid DVDs.

I'm told by our own government that I really won't have to do much. Just show up from time to time at various ceremonies like beheadings and stonings. Things like that. The rest of the time, I'm free to do whatever I want.

My family and I can't wait to explore Grand Marnier's 14 square miles of fascinating landscape - most of it an active volcano.

It's going to be quite an adventure!


  1. Interestingly enough, they've yet to discover which movie is best suited to put cats to sleep. They have discovered however, that cats are given to sudden violent bouts of hair-ball-up-chuck when viewing any film featuring Steve Buscemi.

  2. That sounds more than interesting!

    Guess we're all waiting for some photography of that marvellous landscape.
    If you don't happen to end up in a cooking pot that is...

  3. Paul, please take this suggestion very seriously when I ask that you consider recording an audiobook of you narrating your blog posts. It would be something that every self-respecting fan of your work and the shows you've worked on should own.

    ...and politicians too. They need it badly as a motivational tool to inspire them to greatness.