Thursday, June 24, 2010


No, it's not that oil spill. Scientists and Nobel Prize winners are working on that. So, that's gonna work out okay. (Although, as a man who has seen more that his share of science fiction movies, I would be remiss if I didn't remind the President that in all of those movies, the scientists never get it right. They either go mad, or because of extreme idealism are killed by the creature they are trying to "understand."Watch Forbidden Planet if you don't believe me. Doc was lulled by science and almost ate it.

If there's anything these movies have proved is that you need a rugged individualist like James Arness to throw a wrench at it. Or a barrel. Or something else.

Anyway, that's not what I want to warn all America about today. The threat I am referring to is big. And secret. And if we aren't careful, it's going to destroy us all.

I am writing this blog from a secret location where we spend much of the summer. It's on the coast a few hours away from LA. Here, over the years, we have observed many people from different countries. For the most part, they have given us no reason to fear.

Well, that has all changed. FEAR! Do you hear me, Americans! Fear! And what should you fear? I'll tell you...


Yes, I've seen them. And, we need to stop it. I first saw this insidious horror while in Scotland a few years back. A man was wearing...not pants...not shorts...but something that came up to the ankles. I shuddered. This was wrong. These pants are exclusively reserved for Barbie. Or my daughter.

But on men, it is...I can't even explain. The horror. THE HORROR.

Upon leaving Scotland I thought I had left the site of those pants behind. But no. NO.

I have seen them this week...not once. Not twice. But MANY times. The men wearing these pants are NOT FROM HERE. No, they are from elsewhere. From other countries. Countries where, I suppose, they have given up. Thrown in the towel. Have not stood firm when someone suggests, "These are Capri Pants for men. Would you like to try them?"

I beg all men in America. Please, stand your ground. If a wife, salesman, census worker, et al... suggest you might look good in Capri Pants, know they are evil. Stand your ground. Resist. repeat this simple phrase...CAPRI PANTS FOR MEN ARE STUPID, VILE AND A THREAT TO MY WAY OF LIFE.

If you don't...

We are ruined.


  1. ok
    I'll stop wearing them

  2. These pants make a real statement. That statement is "I haven't changed my trousers since I was 12."

  3. I wish you good luck...

    It's pandemic and it cannot be stopped...
    Unless you nip it in the bud, that is...

  4. Are you sure the pants didnt find their way here by following you home from Scotland?

    That's what happened to me when I moved back hom from Germany. I'm really sorry about the Smart Car....

  5. Almost sounds like you're in my home town of Santa Cruz, or in the near vicinity.

    If indeed that is the case, I would wager that these men are, in fact, from the U.S. It's Santa Cruz, though, so they're supposed to go against all current trends and conceptions of the norm, on the pretext that they are, in fact, being trendy while the rest of the country just doesn't know it.

    Should the rest of the country "catch on," the Santa Cruzans will move on to something else, because it is an anathema to be like people from anywhere else.

  6. For an example of Santa Cruz, I point everyone to the popular film "The Lost Boys".

    At the beginning of the film, which was shot in Santa Cruz, the song "When You're Strange" plays while images of strange people are shown doing strange things (like kissing a rat).

    Those were not actors. They were not directed extras. They were not given costumes. Those were all real people doing their real thing downtown.


    That is where I come from.

    (checks) OK, I'm still in jeans.

    Just be thankful that people are wearing pants, Paul. Last time I was in Santa Cruz, the newspaper had a photo of a woman walking downtown wearing nothing but high-heels, while a bicycle-riding policeman looked on. The accompanying article was noting the surprise out-of-towners who wondered why the policeman wasn't doing anything. Quite simple, really: She wasn't doing anything illegal. There is no law requiring people to be clothed -- just not to be "indecent". Since passersby didn't complain, but only gave her polite compliments, it was deemed perfectly decent.

  7. Oh yeah -- one more thing...

    If indeed you are in Northern California...

    I mean...

    Are you sure those are men you're seeing?

  8. I thought it was a retro nostalgia thing... you know, instead of wearing 80s styled clothes, they're wearing their actual clothes from the 80s?