If there's anything these movies have proved is that you need a rugged individualist like James Arness to throw a wrench at it. Or a barrel. Or something else.
Anyway, that's not what I want to warn all America about today. The threat I am referring to is big. And secret. And if we aren't careful, it's going to destroy us all.
I am writing this blog from a secret location where we spend much of the summer. It's on the coast a few hours away from LA. Here, over the years, we have observed many people from different countries. For the most part, they have given us no reason to fear.
Well, that has all changed. FEAR! Do you hear me, Americans! Fear! And what should you fear? I'll tell you...
CAPRI PANTS...FOR MEN!!!!!
Yes, I've seen them. And, we need to stop it. I first saw this insidious horror while in Scotland a few years back. A man was wearing...not pants...not shorts...but something that came up to the ankles. I shuddered. This was wrong. These pants are exclusively reserved for Barbie. Or my daughter.
But on men, it is...I can't even explain. The horror. THE HORROR.
Upon leaving Scotland I thought I had left the site of those pants behind. But no. NO.
I have seen them this week...not once. Not twice. But MANY times. The men wearing these pants are NOT FROM HERE. No, they are from elsewhere. From other countries. Countries where, I suppose, they have given up. Thrown in the towel. Have not stood firm when someone suggests, "These are Capri Pants for men. Would you like to try them?"
I beg all men in America. Please, stand your ground. If a wife, salesman, census worker, et al... suggest you might look good in Capri Pants, know they are evil. Stand your ground. Resist. repeat this simple phrase...CAPRI PANTS FOR MEN ARE STUPID, VILE AND A THREAT TO MY WAY OF LIFE.
If you don't...
We are ruined.