Professional Show Business Puppetry Stuff

I'M EMPLOYED!!!

Notes On Screenwriting

THE SUPER UGLY WOMAN ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN

I have the distinction of having been paid to write four screenplays for four very large companies. None were ever made. This gives me the freedom to say the following regarding screenwriting: I'd rather have a barium enema.

Now, some of you may aspire to screenwriting and I say, "bully for you." Enjoy. Perhaps you are made of better stuff than I. Actually, you probably are made of better stuff than I. So go for it. 

The last screenplay I was hired to write was for a very, VERY large company. When I turned in the first draft, I was given various kudos like, "Wonderful!" "It's sooooo good!" Having not written many screenplays I made the mistake of believing them. 

After some notes, I was sent off to do a second draft. Upon turning in that draft I was told, "We're close." "Not really what we had expected." And perhaps my favorite, "It doesn't have that IT yet." I don't know what IT was but it didn't have it. I was ashamed for having written a totally it-less screenplay.

I was sent off to do a third draft. The third draft made me cry. Really. I was sitting there and I just started crying. I wanted to throw the computer out the window. I was following their notes and I had no idea what to write. (Note to aspiring writers: not knowing what to write is a bad sign.)

Anyway, I turned that in. I was told that I had, "Missed it." "Made it worse." I didn't have the guts to tell them it made me cry. Everyone agreed the first draft was the better of all three and they wondered why I didn't just do the first draft again. Which I already had. Two drafts ago.

Anyway the family and I went off to Hawaii a few days later. When we got back, I got a call that the producer wanted me to start in on a fourth draft. A fourth draft.

I went to the meeting. I sat there listening to how the fourth draft could be so much better by being like the first draft. Only it should be better than the first draft and that's why it would be called the Fourth draft.

As I listened, I remembered that the third draft made me cry. I could only imagine what the fourth draft would do. Writing should be fun...or at the very least...challenging. There should be no crying. I'm pretty sure of that. When it came my turn to speak, I said something that stunned even me.

I became very contemplative. I think I started to channel St. Benedict. Rather than directly answer them, I told a story. This was my story:

There's a beautiful woman. Only, you can't really see her. She's wearing a long flowing dress. She's running up a side of a mountain. You start following her. Running after her. The mountain is made of really sharp lava or something. So, you start getting scraped and bruised and bleeding. But it doesn't matter, because you are following this beautiful woman. Anyway, she climbs higher. You climb higher. The rocks dig into your skin. Now, you're really bleeding and hurt...but you follow her.

She's now at the top of the mountain and you finally make it up there. You are a mess. You are bleeding and have broken bones. You walk up to her. She has her back to you. You turn her around. And she's super...SUPER ugly.

That's this script. It's super ugly. And I don't want to bleed anymore.

With that, I said good bye, got in my car and smiled all the way home.

 

April 21st, 2009 - A Day Of Special Magnificence

Yes, not only is that the date the Second (and final) Season of Freakazoid will be released, but it is also the date I shall announce the winner of the Second Froynlaven Reader Participation Challenge.

What? Paul, are you insane? So soon? It seems the First Reader Participation Challenge was only a week ago.

Yes. That's true. But I'm giving everyone a month on this next one. 

The prize is a nice one, too. The winner of said challenge will receive an autographed copy of Freakazoid Season 2. Surely that's worth at least 25,000 dollars! (Don't tell my wife.)

I shall listen to all the entries and pick the top five and allow all readers to judge. If, as happened last time, we only had two entries, I will let you all decide. If we have no entries, I will keep the autographed copy of the season 2 and gloat.

The due date to put these up at You Tube and send me the link will be 9pm on Sunday, April 19th. Reader voting will be on Monday the 20th. The awards ceremony will be on Tuesday, April 21st.

The Challenge:

What would it sound like if Anthony Newley sang the Themesong to Freakazoid?

             

There will be extra credit if you can work the word, "Dolittle" into the song. You might want to also hire an orchestra. I realize this can be expensive. Perhaps the government will pay for it.

Here's some reference...

There you are my hearty chums.

LORD CHITTENDEM AND HIS GARDEN

In this clip from my interviews with Lord Chittendem in 1979, the gracious member of the Royal Family takes me on a tour of his enormous gardens.

I MUST SUCCEED!

Unfortunately, I couldn't find any pictures of Hero Boy, so the above-pictured Hero Boy-ish girthy homunculus will have to do. Regardless, it's the spirit of what Hero Boy embodies that I wish to present in this post. Namely...I MUST SUCCEED.

No doubt you will notice that it's been some time since I've mentioned my desire to do the color commentary for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics. I still haven't learned what the brooms or mop thingies are for, but I intend to.

Fact is, I've been slightly despondent that I haven't heard from NBC yet. Even with the amazing audition tape I've sent them...I've heard nothing. And, as many of you commented, my audition was one of the best things you've ever heard. So I know I'm not crazy. (Maybe a few of you said it needed some improvement, but I found those comments to be petty.)

The point is, I cannot allow this dream to whither away. I must pursue it. I MUST SUCCEED.

Perhaps some of you have dreams that you think you can't reach. I say, don't give up. Maybe you want to be a clown in the circus. (Which would be stupid. Clowns are creepy. But it's your dream. So go ahead and creep little kids out if that's your deal. Me? No way! I'm normal.)

Perhaps you want to be an astronaut. (Good luck with that! Cuz FIRST you have to be an ace pilot and then be really brilliant at stuff and then be under 6 feet tall. Plus you have to be able to not throw up on demand. And then you have to be good at politics and suck up to like...EVERYONE. You have a better chance at winning the lottery! But go ahead. Dream your little dreams. Frankly, I think wanting to do the color commentary for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics is so much better than wanting to be a stupid astronaut.)

Regardless of our dreams (my normal one and your totally weird ones) we must all succeed. WE MUST SUCCEED.

So, today I again commit myself to doing whatever it takes to be on that ice when the curling players slide those heavy rock thingies toward that target doohiky.

A few weeks ago, young director Troy suggested that I needed a catch phrase. And he's right. Think about all the greatest sportscasters. They all had that one phrase they'd say when something amazing happened on the field. What would Harry Caray have been without his infamous, "HOLY COW!"

So, in case NBC calls, I need to be ready with my catchphrase. That phrase I'll say when I can't believe the curling move I just saw.

I've come up with a few thousand, but have narrowed it down to 10. Let me know which ONE you like.

(NOTE: These phrases are meant to be shouted excitedly, so keep that in mind.)

1. GIVE THAT MAN A CABBAGE!

2. I'VE GOT ACROMEGALIA!

3. NEWTON'S LAW DEFIED!

4. DOOO DAHHHH!

5. EGG NOG FOR BREAKFAST!

6. REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!

7. SQUISHY McBUG!

8. I DO BELIEVE IN SPOOKS!

9. MELTED WAX AND HAM!

10. I THINK THERE'S A THUMBTACK UNDER MY FANNY!

THE BIG PRIZE FOR KEEPER AND MAZ!!!!