Tuesday, March 3, 2009


It's not everyday that I am struck with a thought so profound as to render all previous profound thoughts....not. (Profound.)

And yet, such a monumental profound thought was blown into me this past Saturday. 

I was watching TV while waiting for my family to get ready to go somewhere. (Where we were going isn't important, but it is humorous and I shall blog about it on a day where I want to be humorous and not profound.)

I was watching the women's olympic trials for the sport of curling. And then it hit me. 


I had never really watched curling. And if I did, I was always one of "those" cruel, mean-spirited people who made fun of it. (Perhaps you know one of those people. Perhaps you are one of those people. If you are, never visit my blog again. I break with thee. Fie to you! 

Curling...or should I say the AWESOME SPORT OF CURLING is the most captivating sport I have ever seen.

It is played on ice. That is pleasing. 

There is a round, heavy weight that glides across the ice. It goes slow enough so your eyes can follow it. 

Part of the sport involves the use of a mop or broom. So it's a clean sport.

There is a bullseye so you know what they're aiming for. 

There's not a lot of sweating which is much more hygienic. 

The sport...ahhh...is perfection.

A person firmly slides the round, pleasing weight down the ice. It glides down the ice on its own toward the bullseye. Two people walk next to the weight and mop in front of it. (I'm not sure why they do this. I have my theories. But I'm going to research it and get back to you. Of course, before I do the color commentary for NBC, I'm going to need to know because I want to sound informed. Hey, if you know why they use the brooms, let me know. Okay?)

Now, here's the important part in all of this. I need your help to make my dream a reality. If anyone knows anyone at NBC, could you put in a good word? Let them know I'm crazy about the sport and would love to do the color commentary during the Olympics. 

Tell them I know all about curling. Don't tell them I don't know what the brooms or mops are for. I'll do some research. If they ask if I know what the brooms or mops are for, just sort of laugh and say something like, "Are you kidding? Does he know?" You know, say something like that. But make it real. Don't overdo it or they'll be suspicious. 

Also, let them know I'd be willing to make it to Vancouver on my own, but I'll need a hotel room. I don't want to bunk in anyone's house. I need my me time. 

It's important you tell them I'm not doing this for free. I'm not budging on that. I'm not some amateur that just got off the truck from San Diego. If you can, try to mention that I've won an Emmy and a Peabody. But make it genuine. Don't just say I've won and Emmy and a Peabody. Try to work it into the conversation naturally. Something like this, "Oh, Paul loves Bob Costas. He thinks he saw him at the Emmys when he won. He didn't see him at the Peabody awards when he won that one time." 

Okay? Are we clear? Thanks for helping. I really want this. So don't blow it for me.


  1. When you get "in" with the NBC/curling circuit, can you hook me up with one of the female Canadian curling team women?

    So cute.

  2. Sure, sure, Troy. You just want a woman who will sweep up after you...

    For the record, the reason they sweep in front of the thingy (technical term; take notes, Paul) is to heat up the ice, which makes it wet and slicker. Thus they have some control over how far the thingy will travel to make up for the failures of the thingy-thrower.

  3. The Awesome Sport of Curling would be lucky to have you as a color commentator.
    I just want to know if your research would involve watching "Men with Brooms" which is the only movie I'm aware of that is about curling. And that is a shame.

  4. [Keeper, I think those women sweep up BEFORE you. Whole different thing over there in curling country.]

    You've failed to mention why you went from making fun of the sport, to wanting to be a commentator for it. I don't know if I trust your motives, I'll just keep all these NBC contacts I made at my various fancy clerk jobs to myself.