I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU

I'm not criticizing, but it's been a whole day and I haven't heard a word from NBC Sports. Maybe some of you called them, maybe some of you didn't. I'm not in your heads, so I'm not going to judge. But I'm running out of time.

If I'm going to be hired to be the color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics, I need to know as soon as possible. I'm going to need to buy shoes and prepare and learn what the broom thingies are for.

So, if the problem is you don't know what to say if you call or write NBC, I have a solution. I've provided a script for you to follow. (Note that I've written various responses based on likely questions you may get from the person on the other line. Please read it over carefully before you call so it doesn't sound like you're reading. This sort of thing worked very well for Obama volunteers.)

FIRST DIAL THE NUMBER FOR NBC IN NEW YORK. I THINK IT IS (212) 664-4000. IT WON'T WORK IF YOU DON'T DIAL IT. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CALL YOU.

A.

THEM: "Hello. NBC. How can I help you?"

YOU: "I would like to speak to the person in charge of hiring the color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics. Can you connect me post haste?"

B. 

THEM: (possible response one) "Excuse me?"

YOU: (possible response one) "Let me speak to you supervisor at once! I am most dissatisfied with the way I am being treated."

OR

C. 

THEM: (possible response two) "Of course I will connect you to our Sports Department. They will put you in contact with someone that can help you in your query."

YOU: (possible response two) "Thank you so much. Give me your name so that I may praise you to the people that have hired you." (Note: Don't write their name down. You're just being nice.)

IF POSSIBLE RESPONSE ONE WAS USED, GO DIRECTLY TO D. IF POSSIBLE RESPONSE TWO WAS USED, SKIP DIRECTLY TO E BELOW.

D. 

THEM: "This is the supervisor to the receptionist you were just speaking to. Is there a problem?"

YOU: "Not yet. But there will be unless I am treated with respect! I want to speak to the person in charge of hiring the color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics."

THEM: "I'm sorry. I don't have that information."

YOU: (long, angry sigh)

THEM: "But I can connect you to NBC Sports."

YOU: "Fine. If that's the best you can do. I am most dissatisfied. Carry on and transfer this call."

E.

THEM: "NBC Sports. How can I help you?"

YOU: "I wish to speak to the person in charge of hiring the color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics."

THEM: (possible response one) "I'm sorry. Mr. Thmeling, isn't in. Can I take a message?"

YOU: (possible response one) "Yes. And don't just pretend to take the message. Write it down. I wish that he would hire Paul Rugg to be the color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics. I am a fan of curling and Paul Rugg knows the sport so well. Obviously he knows what the brooms and mops are for. Ha ha ha. Why wouldn't he? My friends and I would watch more coverage of the Olympics if you hired Paul Rugg who has received an Emmy and a Peabody but he doesn't talk a lot about that. Thank you for listening to me. I have to go help the poor now. Good bye."

THEM: (possible response two) "That would be Mr. Thmeling. I'll transfer you."

(Note: Sometimes it takes a while for important people to get their call. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security and use the bathroom or anything. Stay focused and rehearse your lines.)

THEM: "Hank Thmeling. How can I help you."

YOU: "I would like you to hire Paul Rugg as color commentator for the sport of curling at the Winter Olympics."

THEM: "I've already got my color commentator. Chuck Rensling.(Or another name.)"

YOU: Ohhhh. I see. Hmmmm.

THEM: "Is there a problem?"

YOU: "There quite a bit of scandal swirling around that man. My friends and I in the curling fan community are going to boycott. What a pity. We love curling. But how can we watch if THAT man is allowed to be on the air after what he's done. I shall have to alert others in the curling fan community to do so as well. What a shame. Paul Rugg is such a great color commentator when it comes to curling. He's very aware what the brooms or mops are for. Ha ha ha. Why wouldn't he be? Still, if you have made your choice. Paul's Emmy is in the repair shop. It got knocked against the other two Emmys and chipped. What a shame. At least the Peabody is safe."

THEM: "Hhmmm. Give me your number. I'm going to make some calls."

YOU: (give them your number.)

THEN:

YOU: "Thank you so much for speaking with me. I have not been asked by Paul Rugg to make this call and am acting on my behalf."

HANG UP QUICKLY

So, there's your script. Now do me proud.